Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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8:35 pm
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So... I haven't been posting since like April. I don't know if anyone even is on here anymore. I tried the whole loving myself thing and it has gotten me no where. I'm fat and alone. Screw all that bull shit. Anyway, I didn't eat anything today and I'm not going to eat anything tomorrow. To any of my ana friends... I miss you. I'm done feeling guilty for not eating cause its the only thing that made me happy. Most posts to come. Love you guys (if anyone still reads this)
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Tuesday, October 17th, 2006
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5:21 pm
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Back to reality and it really does suck. California was amazing. I had so much fun with my sister. We went to Laguna one day and ate at a place where they ate on Laguna Beach and we went shopping. I actually partied in the dorms which is something I haven't done in 5 years. It was fun to just hang out and not have to worry about all the crap going on here. But now I'm back home and a few pounds heavier because I ate this weekend and its snowing. Its the first real snow storm of the year and its so cold. I hate even turning on the heat cause I know its going to cost me. Oh and the stv is out. Blah... I'm not in a good mood at all. I hope everyone else is having a much better day.
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Monday, October 9th, 2006
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2:40 am
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So I just got done watching a documentary on eating disorders. Is it really screwed up that it just makes me want to try harder? I'm no where near where these girls were and I want to be so badly it hurts. I consumes my every thought. The show focued on all the bad parts. Hospital stays, money spent on therapy, suicide attempts, cutting, and death. Of course I don't want those things. But by interviewing the family members it also showed how much these girls' families cared and were there for them. I think thats what I want. That and the the achievement I get from losing a pound. Shows and books like that only make me want to lose more. Pictures of celebs and models some times works but true documentaries and stories from real anorexics make me want to lose so much more.
I am doing alot better this week with my food intake. I'm getting back on my losing weight cycle and that makes me happy. I did the Race for the Cure here in Denver this morning. It was fun. I only walked it because I had my son with me but I walked fast. Its really inspiring being there with 65,000 other people walking to make a difference. Its amazing because you look in front of you and all you see is people so you think you are in the back and then you look behind you and all you see is people. Its truly inspiring.
current mood:  hopeful
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Thursday, October 5th, 2006
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11:18 am - The future...
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I've been think alot about what to do after I graduate in May. I really don't have any career goals. I think I could probably get a job but it wouldn't be one that I like. It would just pay the bills. Sure I could be okay with that but is that really want I want or should I do something that I really like? Awhile ago I was concidering nursing. I love being around people and I love the health field (I'm a psychology major). I think it would be a good fit but I never thought that I could do it. Well, I researched alot of it and I think that I could actually do it. I would have to graduate in May like planned, Take a few classes at the community college (prerequisites) and then I could apply. I think I have a good shot at getting in. Sometimes I think that I'm crazy and that I'm just scared about graduating. But everyone I talk to says that I would be good at it and that I should do it. My mom even said that she would finish her basement so my son and I could live with her and she would help with the bills. I'm still thinking about it and seeing if its all possible. I don't know... I'm not a risk taker and this seems like a risk.
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Monday, October 2nd, 2006
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6:25 am
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I'm leaving for california to see my sister in 10 days. I'm so excited. I love that girl so much. Anyway, I want to be confindent to wear all my cute clothes that I love so the weight I have gained over the past 2 weeks has to go! I have 5lbs that I have to loose and 3 more that I really want to loose. I have a goal now... 8lbs in 10 days. I know I can do it. Wish me luck!
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Sunday, October 1st, 2006
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9:38 am
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I haven't updated in a while so here goes... I haven't really been trying to lose weight. I'm in a period where I've been eating somewhat normally and not even trying to purge after. Its kinda weird for me. I feel guilty but not that guilty which is the weirdest part. I go though days of absolutely hating myself so I know I have to get over this and back to my old eating habbits because I hate that feeling. I guess today is a new month so I should start something but I'm just so tired of worrying about food 24/7 that I really don't want to. Maybe I'll just go running today... that should help. I hate this inbetween feeling and the feeling of seeing the scale read a lower and lower number each day. I guess I'm still happy because I haven't gained weight.
current mood: indifferent
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(comment on this)
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Sunday, September 24th, 2006
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10:01 pm - Words to live by
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Today starts a new week. Last week I failed miserably... but you can only truly fail if you give up so today I reminded myself that I'm not giving up. I will succeed. I can do and I will do it! I just have to remember to NEVER GIVE UP!!!!
current mood: hopeful
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, September 14th, 2006
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11:47 am
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So my best friend/roommate is pregnant. Its weird. We haven't really been close for the past 4 months because of the guy she is dating. He cheats on her and is super jealous (like throws a fit if she even talks to another guy even if she has known them for years). Sometimes I'll find her sleeping on our couch and him sleeping in her bed if they have had a fight. Anyway, long story short he's a complete loser I couldn't just stand by and watch this so we haven't been talking all that much. I think she's really excited but I think she kinda did this to trap him. I understand that she loves him but I know they are not ready for this step. I should know, I've been through this. I just feel bad for her because he is not going to change and she is going to be stuck with him for the next 18 years at least even if thier relationship doesn't last. I guess all I can do is be supportive. Everyone I know should have learned from me: use a freaking condom. Its not that hard!
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Monday, September 11th, 2006
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4:45 pm - So gross!
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I saw myself on video this weekend and I'm so disgustingly huge. I thought I was doing pretty good. I lost 10 pounds last month and I'm doing good this month but damn! I am no where near where I need to be. Here's to another week of fasting!
current mood:  blah
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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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10:57 am - Very hopeful
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I'm optimistic today. It feels good since I have been kinda depressed for the last month or so. I really don't know why cause I really don't have anything to look forward too but I'm kinda happy. I'm going to give up on trying to figue out why I feel the way that I feel cause the evidence always seems to be pointing against how I actually feel. When I should be happy I'm not and when I should be said, I'm not. I'm way to confussed to actually determine why. All well...
I reached my goal weight for tomorrow yesterday morning. I'm still too heavy at night so we'll see if I'm at that weight by tomorrow night. I'm doing well on eating little during the day although I'm always good during daytime... its the nights that I have to worry about. But I feel great today.
current mood: cheerful
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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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11:11 am
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Boys suck! So I never really wanted like a truly committed relationship from this guy. With everything we had been through, it would have taken a long time to get to that point anyway. Okay... so after spending all weekend together he calls me last night and was said that he wasn't ready for commitment and just wanted to be friends. Oh this all happened a few hours after we had sex. Friends? They don't do that shit. I never asked for commitment. All I wanted to know is that it was leading to that sometime in the future (6 months, a year, 5 years, whatever). I was sad for about 5 minutes and then I got really angry. I actually cut. I haven't really done that in a long time. It didn't even hurt which made me even more mad. I normally get that high from the pain it causes. It hurts really bad to day so now I'm mad at myself for doing it in the first place. Grr... things really aren't going my way.
I guess I'm more mad at myself than anything. I kept denying that I liked him even though I always kinda did and this weekend I gave into that. I decided that I could trust him again and I can't. He was kinda an experiment. I don't trust many people and after they hurt me I really don't trust them. So I decided that I could forgive and get over past things... but I think that I'm going to stick to my old ways and get rid of anyone who hurts me. I know that I'm going to be really alone but I hate the feeling I have right now.
current mood:  aggravated
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Monday, September 4th, 2006
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8:07 am - Boy Update
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So I spent the whole weekend with my boy. I had so much fun with him. So I guess I would say we are dating even though he was so clingy when we went out. At one bar he went to the bathroom and I was talking to this guy while he was gone. When he got back he was acting all manly and like hugged me and stuff. It was funny, sweet,and really annoying all at the same time. I don't do the whole jealousy thing but I also knew that he didn't want me talking to other guys so that was cute and just reinforced that he likes me. I haven't been this happy in a while.
The only thing I'm scared of is I'm happy now and I think alot of it has to do with him and me feeling wanted. I think that I would be crushed if things didn't work out. I'm really scared of that. I don't want my happiness to depend on a guy. I think I really need to work on being happy for me and not just because of the people I'm around.
Well, I also totally ruined my goal of only drinking once a month though. I def. drank both friday and saturday night...and it was only the first and the second of the month. That kinda sucks but I'm only one pound away from my goal weight that I had set for Friday the 8th. Its my birthday and I normally get really depressed around that time... but we'll see. I think that if I reach my goal weight it will make my birthday perfect.
current mood: cheerful
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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
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7:31 pm - Rambling...
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I'm sad today. I don't know why. I have no reason to be sad. I just am. I'm not like really depressed or wanting to kill myself or anything like that but I'm just sad right now. I'm sure I'll feel better in an hour or two. I always do. I think writing down my feelings help sometimes. I don't know. This post really doesn't have a point at all. I have nothing to tell.
Sometimes I feel bad for all of the people who read this. I only write in here when something is going wrong. I think I complain to much. I need to suck it up and go with it. Do you ever think that you are super crazy inside your head but not crazy enough for others to notice it? Thats how I feel right now... like if someone could look inside of me, they would have me committed right away. But I just sit here quietly and don't say a word. I wonder if one day I will crack. I hope not. I don't really want everyone to know what I think on a daily basis. All well, I'll just keep up living this lie and trying to look as pretty as possible.
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Tuesday, August 29th, 2006
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11:21 am - So Bored
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Yet another year of school has started and I'm already bored. I know that the first day of school is always boring with all the administrative stuff they have to do like hand out and review the syllabus but I'm already concidering ditching. Lucky for me I feel just a guilty ditching class as I do eating a meal so I won't actually do it but I'm imagining what it would be like to not be here and be at the mall trying on new clothes since I lost 10 pounds this month (yeah for me). All my classes are upper division classes and I really think juniors and seniors can read a damn syllabus and understand what it means. If we can't then we shouldn't have made it past freshman year. I wish these professors would just teach me something already.
AND does anyone else hate playing all the stupid 'get to know each other' games? If I have to introduce myself to one more nerd person whom I have no intention of talking to except to get any notes I might miss I'm going to scream. They always pair it with having to tell the class your favorite color, or song, or movie or something equally retarded. Plus, I always have to explain why I refuse to shake the other persons hand and when you tell someone they might be dirty... they give you the strangest look and then you feel bad.
Grrr... is today over yet????
current mood: moody
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Tuesday, August 22nd, 2006
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10:21 pm - Boy Drama Update
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So I talked to my boy for about an hour and a half last night and I laughed so hard... He makes me laugh which is really had to do. So I guess I do like him. God, thats hard to say. I'm so scared of getting hurt yet agian by him though. All well, life is a journey right? I guess I just have to see where it takes me...
On the plus side, I haven't felt like eating in 3 days! I want to look really good for him. I normally have my battles with food for myself but this is like a little extra push so I guess you have to look at the positives.
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Monday, August 21st, 2006
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4:49 pm - I'm an idiot... maybe
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so this weekend I ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend. We were trying out the whole friend thing and since we had been a nonitem longer than we were together I honestly thought it was possible. Anyway, we went out to the bars and both had alot to drink (way to many calories - I'm upset about that too). He ended up kissing me and while he wanted to go further I ended up resisting it all night. We ended up falling asleep together and when we woke up in the morning it all happened. So neither one of us was drunk or anything. Now I have no idea what it means. I don't even know what I want it to mean. On one hand, I still have feelings for him. We were really good together except for our last fight which through being friends for the past month we have kinda worked through. BUT on the other side I keep telling myself that I can't trust that fucking bastard again. Maybe I'm just causious because I don't know how he feels. He never gave a clear indication either way. Part of me knows he still has feelings for me... other people can see that too. I just have this feeling that he doesn't want a girlfriend or anything like that right now. I have absolutely no proof of that though. I want to call him so we can talk aobut all of this but I really want him to call me first. But then I feel like I'm playing stupid girl games too. I have no clue what to do...I'm so confused. Why does life have to be so hard?
current mood:  confused
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
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3:31 pm - I hate me today
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I'm so sad today and I don't know why. There's lots of things going on that could contribute to it but i can't pin point why exactly all I want to do is curl up in a ball in my bed. I even left work early cause I felt sick. I feel like I was faking ill or something but I really did feel like I wasn't feeling good. I think it was mental thought because I couldn't pin point a single symptom. I wasn't in any pain. I felt like throwing up but I didn't all at the same time. I was dizzy but not really. I don't know it was a weird feeling. I'm just sad. I felt like this last night too. Man, I hope tomorrow is better.
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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5:34 pm - Update
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So all summer I've struggled with losing weight. It seemed no matter what diet pill I took or how much I worked out, I would always lose alittle and gain it back and then lose alittle and gain it back. It was a never ending cycle that I couldn't stop. A week ago I started taking a multivitamin and like magic I've lost .5 to 1 pound a day and I'm keeping it off. I haven't been taking any diet pills or anything like that. Since I haven't been fasting I've been staying under 400 calories per day which is what I always tried to do before. Its crazy weird...
current mood: confused
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(comment on this)
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Wednesday, August 9th, 2006
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9:13 pm - Why?
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So lately I've been wondering why I do this to myself. I hate it but I hate myself without it so I thought I would write a list so I can remind myself of the positives:
1. I will fit into my skinny jeans.
2. I can use less of my $70 bottle of tanning lotion each time I go.
3. I could try things on when I go shopping and absolutely refuse to show people.
4. My mom would stop asking me what I weigh and what I'm doing to lose it.
5. People would look at me and not through me to the hotter girl behind me.
6. Thinness = happiness... at least it does for me.
7. Way less money spent on stupid food.
8. Being cold is way better than being hot... I love sweaters!
9. I could fit in the amazing designer clothes that I would love to max out my credit cards on.
10. I want to cause I have to cause I need to!
Other than that... good day. Peace out, love ya guys!
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Monday, August 7th, 2006
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4:21 pm - My Trip
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I had a family reunion this weekend. We all got together to celebrate my Great grandparents 70th wedding anniversary. They were so cute and the weekend was really good. I don't know if I had posted this already but I recently decided to try my hardest to cut out all meat. I did really good on this. If I absolutly had to eat I had salad or fresh veggies (it was in rual minnisota). I did however have 2 slices of pizza on the way home. It was so weird cause I felt like I just had to eat it. Blah. I feel bad about it now but I'll run for a couple hours tomorrow. That doesn't make it better but I guess I be able to sleep knowing that I'm running tomorrow. But over all good weekend.
current mood:  tired
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